The biblical way to restore relationships

One of the most liberating things we can do in life is also one of the most difficult: asking people to forgive us when we’ve wronged them.

I doubt you wake up in the morning with a spring in your step, saying, “I just can’t wait to ask for forgiveness today!” Yet asking others for forgiveness is necessary for our spiritual health.

Paul wrote, “I also do my best to maintain always a blameless conscience both before God and before men” (Acts 24:16; emphasis mine). The apostle didn’t think it was enough to have a clear conscience with God; he knew it was important to have a clear conscience with other people. A clear conscience is the assurance that neither God nor anyone else can accuse you of a wrong you have not attempted to make right.

I hope you have that assurance. But maybe you feel guilt over some hurt you’ve caused that is keeping you from worshiping God fully. Or perhaps there’s a fractured relationship you need to try to repair before it’s too late.

Asking for forgiveness is hard, but it brings relief and freedom. Let me share three biblical principles to help you take this very important step.

1. Determine whether you need to ask for forgiveness. Sometimes our desire to confess our wrongdoing to somebody is very self-centered. We want to relieve ourselves of guilt, so we dump our garbage on the person we’ve wronged, even when they’re not aware of our offense. Then we might feel better—but they’re devastated!

Jesus taught that we are to ask for forgiveness from those who are aware we’ve wronged them. He said, “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother” (Matthew 5:23–24; emphasis mine).

If the person you’ve wronged isn’t aware of your sin, ask yourself, Will my confession help or hurt the other person? That’s the filter Paul gave us in Ephesians 4:29 for everything we say. If you need to make financial restitution or if your transgression against somebody is likely to come to light, then it may be helpful to go ahead and confess your wrongdoing to them and ask for forgiveness.

2. Schedule an appointment to meet with the offended party. The best way to ask somebody for forgiveness is in a face-to-face meeting. Remember this principle: The circle of confession should be no larger than the circle of offense. If your sin is against God and one person, then you need to talk to God and only that one person. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another”—not to everybody.

3. Make your petition. Asking for forgiveness is not the same thing as apologizing. When you ask for forgiveness, you’re asking the person you’ve wronged to let go of their right to hurt you for hurting them.

Here are several suggestions for making your petition more effective:

• Refuse to blame anyone else. Even if the other person is 90 percent responsible for the conflict, focus on the 10 percent you’re responsible for.

• Identify the wrong you committed. Be specific.

• Acknowledge the hurt you caused. When the other person realizes that you understand the hurt you inflicted on them, they will be much more likely to forgive you.

• Ask for a response. Say, “Will you forgive me for what I did to you?”

I wish I could assure you that the other person will say, “Yes, I’m happy to forgive you!” Ultimately, you have no control over their response. But you do have control over taking the steps to obey Romans 12:18: “So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Then you can move forward with a clear conscience, knowing the rest is in God’s hands.