Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

God . . . reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
–2 Corinthians 5:18

I once read about a professor at a Christian university who discovered that one of his students was having an affair. The professor reminded the student that God would discipline him for his sin. The student responded nonchalantly, “I expect God to forgive me. That’s His job.”

This story illustrates one reason people believe you shouldn’t forgive somebody who shows absolutely no remorse. They argue that forgiving an unrepentant person just invites further abuse. For example, they say, if a wife forgives her philandering husband for his affairs, and he doesn’t show any remorse or repentance, then isn’t she giving him permission to continue the affairs? Or if a boss forgives an employee for embezzling from the company, doesn’t he open himself up to the possibility of being stolen from again?

So should we really forgive an unrepentant person? Doesn’t that encourage further abuse?

Such an objection doesn’t take into consideration that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

You can forgive somebody without ever being reconciled to that person or trusting that person the way you once did. Forgiveness is simply saying, “I’m surrendering my right to settle the score with you. I’m leaving that to somebody else.” When you forgive somebody, you’re giving up your right to hurt that person for hurting you. You’re saying, “God, You or somebody else can take care of it, but I’m not going to do it. I’m going to get on with my life.”

Forgiveness depends only on you, while reconciliation depends on both you and your offender. You can never be reconciled with somebody until you hear the words “I’m sorry.” But you can forgive somebody without ever hearing the words “I’m sorry.” In fact, you can forgive somebody without ever seeing or speaking to that person again. Don’t let the myth that forgiving your offender means reconciling with them keep you from letting go of that hurt and getting on with your life.

Today’s devotion is adapted from “Why the Words ‘I’m Sorry’ Are Highly Overrated,” by Dr. Robert Jeffress, 2015.

Scripture quotations taken from the (NASB®) New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org.