How do I get rid of the disdain and learn to forgive?

To forgive means to let go of, to release a debt that is owed to you. I like to say forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt somebody else for hurting you. We are to forgive unconditionally. If you make your forgiveness of another person dependent on what they do or don’t do, or you say, “I’m not going to forgive until they ask for forgiveness,” then you’re making yourself a slave to that other person.

Have you ever seen one of those three-legged races they used to do at old-fashioned picnics? You have your leg tied to the leg of the other person, and you hobble together toward the finish line. If you’ve ever done that before, then you’ve thought, If only I could get free from this idiot, I could make a lot better time! But a three-legged race doesn’t allow for solo contenders. You can only go as fast and as far as your partner is able to go. In the same way, when you tie your forgiveness to somebody else, you’re tying your emotional well-being to them. You cannot get any farther in life than they’re willing to allow you to go. And what if they choose not to repent? Are you a prisoner of that person for the rest of your life? What if the person who’s wronged you has moved and you’ve lost contact with them? What if it’s a parent who’s in the cemetery, and they can never ask for forgiveness? No, forgiveness is the process by which we say, “God, You know how much this person has hurt me, but I am letting go of it. I’m going to let You deal with them. I’m going to let You settle the score so I can be free to get on with my life.”

Forgiveness has no strings attached, but reconciliation has many strings attached. You can forgive somebody without being reconciled with them. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (KJV). If somebody isn’t willing to admit how much they’ve hurt you, then you’re going to have a hard time having a relationship with them. If a business partner steals $50,000 from you, you may let go of that and forgive them, but you’re not going to want to go into business with them again until they make some restitution. Forgiveness has no strings attached; reconciliation has several strings attached. It’s important to know the difference between the two.