Getting over Grief

There is nothing more stressful than losing someone close to you. After his wife’s death, C. S. Lewis wrote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”¹

Jesus was familiar with the sensations of grief. When His friend Lazarus died and He saw the mourners weeping, “He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus wept” (John 11:33–35).

Jesus had all the theologically sound answers about death. He knew He was about to raise His friend back to life. Yet He still grieved.

Grief is both normal and necessary for our healing. Whether you are suffering loss in your own life or watching a loved one walk through a difficult time, it is helpful to understand this natural process we all experience.

Four Stages of Grief

Grief is like a dark tunnel. To reach the other side, I believe there are four stages we must pass through, each with a biblical basis.

Stage One: Shock

When you lose a loved one, the first stage is shock. Sometimes this shock is expressed in uncontrollable emotion, but the usual response is numbness. That’s why it’s a mistake to congratulate people for their composure immediately after they’ve lost a loved one. We say, “You’re holding up so well,” when in fact they’re still in shock and will need to express those emotions. Tears are a natural part of grief. As David wrote, “Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” (Psalm 56:8).

Stage Two: Despondency

The second stage of grief is despondency. A person in this stage will find it hard to perform simple tasks. They think, Why does it matter?

In her book Mourning Song, Joyce Landorf Heatherley wrote that when her father lost his wife, “his interest in going on with his life had been destroyed. Dad’s curiosity about the contents of the mail helped him open it, but the lethargy of grief stole his drive and zest for living so that he simply laid down the opened envelopes wherever he was in the house. Responding to the mail in any way did not occur to him.”²

I think Solomon was experiencing a similar despondency when he wrote, “Vanity of vanities! All is vanity” (Ecclesiastes 1:2).

Stage Three: Regression

The third stage of grief is regression. During this stage, the person appears to get worse, not better. They seem obsessed with their deceased loved one. Or they become bitter, blaming themselves or lashing out at others. They question God: “Why did You let this person die? Why am I here when they’re not?”

Job exemplifies this stage of grief. Most people are familiar with Job’s declaration right after his loss: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). But when the numbness wore off, Job “opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth” (3:1). Then he said, “Why is light given to him who suffers, and life to the bitter of soul, who long for death, but there is none? . . . For my groaning comes at the sight of my food, and my cries pour out like water. . . . I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes” (vv. 21, 24, 26). These honest emotions are also part of the grieving process.

Stage Four: Adaptation

The final stage of grief is adaptation, when the person begins to accept the death of their loved one. However, a person only reaches this final stage if they pass successfully through the other three. Don’t try to rush the grieving process. Imagine you broke your arm, and the doctor just looked at it and said, “Hurry up and heal already!” Just as it takes time for our bodies to heal, it takes time for our emotions to heal.

How to Help Those Who Grieve

Even when we’ve traveled through the tunnel of grief, we may struggle to comfort others who are experiencing loss. Here are four ways to respond to someone who’s grieving.

Be genuine. Don’t be pompous. If you are shocked when you hear the news, tell the person you’re shocked. If you feel like crying, cry.

Be quiet. We often feel the need to preach a sermon or quote Bible verses at a grieving person. But many times, our words make things worse. You and I don’t have all the answers, and we shouldn’t pretend that we do.

Be supportive. A grieving person doesn’t need your words; they need you. Simply be present and supportive, especially a couple of weeks after the funeral when the crowds have dissipated.

Be practical. What the person needs most might be for someone else to do the dishes or mow the lawn. Minister to them by noticing and meeting a specific need they have.

Someone Who Understands

Though we will all experience the loss of people close to us, God promises never to leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). God is with His children during every step of the grieving process. When you suffer loss, remember you have someone in heaven who understands, someone you can talk to, someone from whom you can receive grace.

1. C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (Bantam, 1980), 1.

2. Joyce Landorf Heatherley, Mourning Song, rev. ed. (Revell, 1994), 190.